Always So Close
by ghostfireninja
Summary: "He's always there for me. He's always so close, but..." , "She's always in there with me. She's always so close, but..." , "S(He) seems so far away." First Sasanatsu fic. Hopefully this is good. R/R :) Pls. ignore this bad summary and hopefully read what's inside.
1. The Way Home

**Disclaimer: I do not own Tonari No Kaibutsu-kun.**

* * *

_"Please don't say you love me, 'cause I might not say it back. _

_Doesn't mean my heart stops skipping when you look at me like that._

_There's no need to worry when you see just where were at._

_Just please don't say you love me, cause I might not say it back."_

_ - Gabrielle Aplin_

* * *

Natsume walks quietly with the boy beside her. She sipped quietly on her juice, watching as the boy held his bike's handlebars whilst walking with her and talking about his baseball game. Her mind wanders off from time to time, and she wonders if the boy ever notices this too, since the boy almost knows her much than she ever does. Too much, yet she knows he will never truly understand her. Even so, she liked that part of him, she liked his pointy brown hair that is skewed ever more to his right, his deep dark green eyes that greets her back when she's talking, his bright smile that she thinks makes everybody feel warm… though she could never like him more. He's a boy after all, as different as he is, she noticed, from the others in that category she believed as enemies.

"You always laugh a lot. How do you do that?" Natsume pointlessly asked, noticing how stupid her question is.

The boy was as surprised as her after hearing her senseless question, mouth agape, and then answers with laughter. Natsume glanced at him, wondering how he could just answer her question with something so vague as laughter and everything would still make sense. She managed to smile, but only a little bit.

The two of them passed a group of boys who seem to be wearing the same uniform as they are. Sasayan abruptly waves his hinds above the air upon seeing them, and they too, return the gesture. Natsume wasn't surprised, they boy he's with now is quite popular at school. Her mind drifts to that thought again. As much as how she admired this about the boy, she admits she's jealous about this part of him.

Natsume was never really good at making friends. She's lucky enough that Mitty and Haru are there. And even though Mitty is not quite the responsive listener, and Haru is almost always too lost in Mitty, she finds herself to be thankful. And then there's Sasayan. Sasayan, who was another boy. Sure, Haru is a boy, and she can get along with him well since she knows that he would always think about Mitty, and not mind her at all. But Sasayan, she always ponders about how she came to the fact that she can walk with this boy to her house. How impossible the thing would be a few years past. He's Sasayan after all. He's different, and great like that. But he's a boy…

"I'm almost tired of walking." Natsume blurted.

"I noticed we've been walking a little bit too slow than what we normally do." Sasayan answered. If other people would be hearing their conversation right now, they might actually think that the two of them are stupid. Why, there's the bike wheeling in beside them, and it's pretty much available, why wouldn't they just ride it off?

Because only Natsume knows.

Only she knows that the boy likes it more this way, having have to converse with her while walking beside the river, watching as the sunset hides behind the massive walls of mountains, and feeling the orange hue that fills up the sky dim down. Only she knows that when they reach that road that steeps downhill will they ride off and slide down and feel the twilight breeze on their skins. The boy would laugh, and she could always hear that sound. And she, she would breathe in the scent of his hair as she sits behind his bicycle and wonders why it fills her with unsullied greatness.

She lingers on how good this actually felt. She leans on the back of the boy, closing her eyes while waiting before his voice pulls her back to her senses.

"Hey Natsume?" The boy said.

She hates how she still feels kind of startled whenever he does that, even though she's not entirely oblivious of his habit.

"Don't sleep." He added. She can see in her mind that he's smiling right now. She always seem to know when he'll smile.

"I know." She says. "You always tell me that." He would smile again. She would still see it even though she's on his backside.

"I like telling that to you." Sasayan says. "I wouldn't like you falling down my bike just because I let you lean on my back and think about whatever comes in your mind when you do that. Besides," he stopped pedaling, Natsume notices, though she doesn't know why. "If you're tired, you can just tell me. A little stop won't hurt."

She smiled. She turned to see the face of the boy looking back at her. "But I'm good. Why are we stopping?"

The boy managed a little laugh. "Exams are over. How about we have our own little celebration. Besides," he closed his eyes and breathed in a huge amount of air. "Everything seems nice today."

Natsume couldn't help but agree.

So they hopped off in their little transportation and sat down on the grass beside the road. The two of them looked up, and for a moment there was silence. Words couldn't seem to describe how vast and wide and beautiful the night sky is. They can do nothing but stare and marvel on what's above.

Natsume wonders how the stars could all fit in a single place, and be arranged so beautifully. Her thoughts weren't like that, she hates that. She couldn't even assemble the thoughts that come whenever the boy looks at her with jaunty eyes. She knows he's doing this very thing right now. His habit when both of them look at something marvelous. He would always break contact with the scene first, then turns his head slightly to her direction. She never know what comes in his mind when he does that, but she's careful not to look at him. She hates how she blushes whenever she stares back at those deep green eyes. She hates how he would laugh playfully whenever he notices her face was red. And up till now, she still couldn't assemble why she does feel warm inside when he does that.

"You're doing that thing again." She says. "The view up is way better."

"I beg to differ." He would say. "Why don't you face me? Don't you? Or can't you?" Then he would laugh. And she would turn to him after that in an attempt to push him.

But he was always smart when it comes to the things she was about to do.

"You're eyes are brighter and much more beautiful than the stars sometimes." The boy says, and so she couldn't muster up any thoughts to even push this boy, even if she just meant it to make him stop. She didn't even raise her hands and show her palms right before it hits the boy's chest.

She could only look down. Look down and blush. She hates how this boy always makes her do that.

"Why do you do this, Sasayan?" She asked wistfully.

She didn't see how the boys expression quickly change into something more serious, and apologetic.

"Doing what?" He says. "I'm sorry, I'm just joking. Yeah, you're right. Those stars are prettier."

"You don't understand." Natsume says, and for the first time since they sat on the grass, she looks at him straight in the eye. "You don't understand." She was close to breaking down now. She hates herself for being this fragile. And the look he was giving her wasn't helping her. She can see in his eyes that he thinks she will break any moment.

"Natsume. I- I'm sorry." He said, his voice a little quieter now. "And for the record, I completely understand. I know that you can never look at me straight without building up that bubble of doubt in your head."

She broke down. Not because she was insulted of what the boy said, but because he's completely right.

"I know that you can only see me as a friend. And even with just that, I know that you try so hard to put your trust in me." Sasayan was telling this all without faltering, like he knew all of this would eventually come.

Nobody said a word after that. The sound of Natsume's muffled cries were all that is heard underneath the starry sky. The boy just looked at her worriedly while the girl in front of him tried her hardest to fight back the tears. The boy could do nothing but put her arms around her, and she could do nothing but continue to cry, not minding at all if she gets his clothes wet. Not minding at all that someone was comforting her right now, and that that someone is the one who brought out her tears, and that that someone is a boy.

"Look. I know It's hard but" Sasayan stopped for a while, as if he forgot what he was about to say. "But you have to trust me. You're my friend, no matter if I'm a boy." He paused, looking to see if Natsume was still listening. "Haru's a boy too, and I would get really sad if you still look at him fine while you go on ignoring me."

"Sasayan." Natsume tried to say, but everything seems so hazy right now. She can't find the words to say.

"Natsume." The boy grabbed her shoulders and pulled her slowly away from him. He stared into her eyes. Natsume looked back. "You'll kill me that way." The boy continued, and after that, something clicked inside Natsume's head. She realized that she have been too selfish. Too selfish for her own good. Too selfish to even think about what Sasayan was feeling.

"I'm wrong. I thought I already know you. But I'm wrong." Sasayan says.

"You even know me better than I know myself sometimes." Natsume says, wiping her eyes. She swallowed a little bit of saliva. "I just need to think. I…"

The boy puts his index finger in front of her mouth, most usual, with the shushing sound.

"Don't cry anymore. It's terrible to cry underneath a perfect sky." And so she did.

He looked up the star once more. And so she did too. She couldn't help but think how awful she is to almost push him out when he's always there for her.


	2. Tied

**Diclaimer: I do not own Tonoari No Kaibutsu-kun.**

* * *

_You know what's hard? It's when you really love someone, but that someone can only look up to you as a friend. It's 'cause you know they can't love you back. It's 'cause you keep on chasing them even if you know nothing will ever happen. It's 'cause this kind of love is the kind which is so near, but you can't even reach it._

* * *

As soon as the girl hopped off his bike, wiped a little bit of tear in her eye, smiled sheepishly, and waved him goodbye, Sasayan knew it would be a long ride home. And he's alone. Sure, he has a lot of friends, but being with that girl has always made him feel more alive. He pedaled on, riding past a bunch of homes, thinking of how wonderful it would be to live near her. He thought of the girl who was so little in his arms when she cried. He thought of how her muffled cries were slowly piercing him, how much it'd hurt to hear. He thought of how beautiful she looked when she smiles, how much he'd be lost when he stares at those big brown eyes.

And how much he likes her.

How much cruelty resides between the two of them, the fact that he's a boy, and that the girl couldn't put all her trust into him.

It hurts.

He understands her, anyway. The girl had been quite a lot. He noticed that Natsume had had trouble making friends in the past, and it was one of the few things that made him like the girl. When he saw how much her eyes sparkled when she finally made her first friends. That is, Mitty and Haru. And him, of course. At first, she considered only Mitty and Haru her pals, he didn't even know if she noticed him at first. Or maybe if she did, she thought he'd be another enemy.

He understands that she thinks boys are just boys. And boys like to play with their toys, and that the most wonderful thing to play with are girls. He doesn't really know why she thinks of that. Maybe she's had a hard time with boys during her past. Which is to say, she'd had a hard time with people around her. Since she couldn't even find any friends.

He understands her, because she had just confessed to a guy she liked, and she got rejected. How hurtful that is, he thought. To her. She at least found strength to talk about her feelings to a boy. A boy! And then it failed. It's like putting salt to a wound, how much can she trust boys more now after all that?

How hurtful that is. To him. The thing had put a lot of weight into him. To how Natsume would think of him. It's definitely much heavier to carry.

Deep in thought, and he almost didn't see the stray cat sprawled almost in the vicinity of his tires. He stopped at a small point when the little feline was just about to get hit. The air was blowing, and for a moment he stared at the cat. No, not a cat. It's smaller than the usual. A kitten. He hopped off his bike and found himself carrying the animal in his arms. It was dirty, and quite thin. But other than that, it was beautiful. Its white fur had been soaked brown with dirt, and the eyes that stared back at him were a light brown. The same color he always find himself staring at whenever Natsume laughs at his jokes.

It took him later to realize that the cat has been with him when he reached his house, sleeping quietly on the basket of his bike. He had brought the cat.

* * *

Almost 11, and he lied on his bed. Staring up at the ceiling and thinking what would happen tomorrow. Or more accurately, what would happen when he sees her tomorrow. Would he say hi as usual? Would he say good morning, and say a little joke? Would he laugh?

Would she laugh back?

He covered his eyes with his wrist. He hated how he couldn't stop thinking about the girl. He liked her, not on the moment he saw her. He's not a believer of love at first sight. But everytime she laughs, and almost cries, he finds himself a little too tied to her. Like there's an invisible thread that only he can feel, connects him with the girl, and he can never leave her side.

How stupid.

He had been in a relationship before, and it didn't work out well. After quite some time, he made a conclusion that having relationships is quite pointless. Having friends is already good, but why would we limit ourselves with only just one person? He had believed in the philosophy he created. But right now he might actually find himself breaking his own rule.

_Is he seeking a relationship with the girl?_

He pounded his head. Stupid! Natsume would never like that. She might even find herself hating him after that.

"When did I ever lost my mind?" He said to himself.

_Why do I keep liking a girl which is so… complicated. I always lived life simple, easy. But why…_

"Maybe I should just get some sleep." He whispered.

And he didn't dream of anything, even after having countless thoughts about the girl.

* * *

At morning he realized that they had a new member in their house. The cat. He haven't gave him any name yet. So he decided to just call him "Neko".

"Souhei. Why did you bring home a cat last night?" His mother was telling him.

"Ahh." He didn't know if his mother would be happy if he tells her that it's just a stray and so he brought it so he'll take care of it. "I wanted a pet?"

Her mother just sighed. "Fine, but you should be the one who'll look after it."

Sasayan nodded.

Her mother raised one brow. "By looking after it, I meant cleaning after he takes a poo. And giving him stuffs to eat. You know that, right?"

"Of course, mom." Sasayan said.

_What am I gona do? I've never tried raising a cat before. Heck, I never raised any pet before._

"Gotta go mom. I'll stop at the store to buy him some cat food later. Bye."

With that. He left.

* * *

That morning he rode his bike to school, as he always does. He was thinking of a lot of things. And one of those things is about why he'd been doing a lot of thinking these days. He didn't even notice that he passed someone on his way, and he didn't stop.

"Sasayan." A familiar voice called out. That brought him out of his senses.

He stopped and looked back to see that Natsume was looking at him, quite surprised.

"Oh, Natsume." He said. "Good morning." He smiled.

Natsume greeted him back. "Wh-what were you thinking? You.."

Sasayan looked at her, wondering why she couldn't continue her sentence. "What?" He asked.

"You never pass by me without noticing me first. You always stop when you see me. And you always ask me if I needed a lift." Natsume blurted out, but she can't look him in the eye. She's embarassd, Sasayan thought.

As usual, he laughed. "I'm sorry Natsume." He put an arm behind his head. "I was thinking. Anyway, need a lift?" He grinned.

Natsume smiled. And she sat on the back of his bike.

* * *

The way to school wasn't like the usual. It was quiet, like the two of them had suddenly forgotten how to start a conversation. So Sasayan said, "Are you-"

He stopped because Natsume was also saying something. They both laughed. "You first." Sasayan said.

"I'm-" Natsume was saying. "I'm sorry for last night. I shouldn't have cried like that. I shouldn't have made you worry."

"Oh that?" Sasayan said. "I was just about to ask you if you were alright." He paused. "That's okay. Yeah, it's alright."

There was a moment of silence.

"I soaked your t-shirt." Natsume said.

Sasayan cracked up. He should've seen the puzzled look on the girl sitting behind her when he laughed. "That's the least I would worry about after watching you cry like that." Sasayan said.

The girl smiled.

That conversation was enough for the both of them for the rest of their ride.

* * *

Lunch break and the four of them were on the rooftop. Haru insists that it's nice to eat with friends and fresh air.

Nobody argued.

The lunch, as always, was filled with Haru's pointless stories, Mitty's cold responses, Natsume's laughs, and Sasayan..

"What's wrong, Sasayan?"

Sasayan took him seconds to notice that Haru was asking him. He looked at Natsume, who herself was looking curious too. "Nothing, it's just. Can you give me tips on how to raise a pet?"

Haru was happy to help. Minutes after that was full of Haru's suggestions about pet raising. For after 5 minutes, Sasayan decided not to listen anymore since Haru was starting to get out of topic.

After the lunch, the girl asked him what's wrong.

And he replied with the "Nothing"-treatment.

* * *

They went home. Sasayan bought Natsume her favorite juice drink. He knows her very well. She was happy to accept, and they'll start about their usual journey to their homes.

"Natsume." Sasayan asked as the girl was watching the sun float down. "Do you like going home with me?"

"What kind of question is that?" Nastume replied.

"No. I meant. Why do you go home with me? I'm a boy, but.." Sasayan stopped for a bit. "Are you trying hard, or whatever… whenever you're with me?"

It took a while before the girl could answer. "I don't even know." She said. "I was thinking about that yesterday too. How I found myself in the company of a boy, with me, not doing anything. Not even being afraid. Not feeling… uncomfortable, you know."

"Do you like someone other than the manager?" Sasayan asked abruptly, not looking at the girl beside her. He knew the question was so sudden, and he can feel that the girl was as surprised as he is when the words came tumbling out of his mouth.

"No. I don't think I'll like someone after…"

"I understand." Sasayan said. He really did understand it though. He knows her answer would be like that. But even so, he felt some part of him die. Hearing those words from the girl he likes is just too much. Months ago, he confessed to her. Yes, to Natsume. He didn't know if she was happy about it.

What was he thinking? Of course she's not happy about it. He knew the girl trusted her to never push past the line. To never fall for her, because he'll only get hurt. He knows that too well, he knows even before the girl told her that she can't return her feelings. But even so, he found himself smiling. He's good at that. Pretending. He would look as though he won his hardest baseball game yet, but inside, he actually feels as though he's already lost before the fight had even begun.

And right now, he's doing the same thing over again. After she told him she won't be liking anyone now, he smiled as if he wasn't hurt. He smiled as though it was nothing. And he watched her smile back to her, and that was the hardest thing ever. He didn't even look at the girl for too long, watching her smile was torture.

He quickly changed the subject. Actually, he just remembered something.

"Natsume." He stopped walking, so did his bike, which was at the mercy of his hands. "I just remembered that I have to buy something."

"What?" She asked curiously.

"Remember when I asked Haru for some pet advices? I found a stray cat last night, after dropping you home. I found myself bringing it to our house, and now I have to buy some cat food."

"I never thought you liked animals that much." She said. "What made you think that you'd bring her with you, anyway?"

He couldn't tell her. He couldn't tell her that he brought it home just because the eyes that stared back to him were the same color of eyes that he found so close, yet so far. So instead he laughed again a goofing laugh, with his eyes closed and told her it's a "him".

Natsume pouted her lips. "Sorry." Embarassed.

Sasayan glanced at her. "So, I'm sorry. You have to go on without me." He wanted much to be with her. He felt a little fist slam on his shoulder, it didn't hurt, but it sure did startle him.

"I'm coming with you." Natsume said, embarrassed to look at him straight in the eye. "I'd rather go home late than go home alone."

Sasayan was open-mouthed for a while. Then he laughed. "Sure. That's nice." Very nice, he thought. He looked at the sunset again, thinking how he can never get away with this girl.

He handed the money to the cashier. He didn't know if the cat would like this but, it's cat food anyway. He browsed around the store, and for a moment he was in panic. He couldn't find Natsume anywhere. For a second she was in there with him, poking at the glass in the aquariums and teasing the fishes. And now..

He sighed. He said thanks and waved goodbye to the cashier. "She just went out a while before." The cashier replied when he waved his hands.

"Yeah. Thanks." Sasayan said. When he got out, the first thing he noticed was the girl sitting on the ground, hugging her knees. And he was the first thing the girl noticed too. 'Cause for a moment the two looked at each other. It stayed like that for a few seconds. The only thing that seemed to be moving was the dog caged inside, sticking it's tongue out to Natsume. As the wind blowed, Sasayan could see Natsume's hair sway marvelously to her side.

_I can never get away with this girl._

"I, I thought you already left." Sasayan said, scratching the back of his head.

The girl narrowed her eyes at him. "Stupid Sasayan." She said, rather annoyed. "I thought I told you I don't want to go home alone."

"Oh yeah." He said. "Sorry."

"Wanna go home?" He added.

He didn't know why it took her a while to answer, but at last she agreed, and they hopped on to his bike. And they rode home. It's so simple. He's time alone with her. Yet it's these times when he would want to just pause time and just continue to look at her, while she looks at him back.

"Sasayan?" Natsume's voice startled him. Natsume rarely talks while they're riding his bike. He doesn't know what she's looking at when she's sitting behind him. He just concluded that she's watching the sky gradually change color, as what they always do. Usually, he just waits until that familiar weight of her leans on his back, and he'll count for like how many seconds before his voice would wake her from her deep thoughts.

"Natsume?" He replied. "What is it?"

"I hate it because we didn't pass the path we usually did. I liked sliding down that steep road."

Sasayan laughed a little bit, and the girl could feel the muscles on his back move when he does.

"Why are you laughing?" She said. "You always laugh at me."

Perhaps that's one of the things he likes with the girl. Whenever his mind was clothed with quietness and sincerity, her words would always dip him into reality. They sure are funny, pointless, even, sometimes. But he finds it somehow endearing. Nobody else lifts him up with words like that. Only Natsume.

_Only Natsume…_

"I'm sorry about that. Tomorrow we'll pass there for sure." He said comfortably. "I'll put in some extra speed."

And maybe he just heard it, the wind was strong against his ears, but the voice that lifts him up somehow said "Thanks Sasayan. Don't leave me ever. Please."

Maybe he's just hearing things. Hearing things he wanted to hear.

Nobody needs to remind him of that. Not even her. Not even himself. He would always find himself doing just that, right even before his mind could realize what he's up to.

The drive home had been so pleasing, so beautiful, that he frowned when he saw Natsume's house just a few blocks away. He stopped when he reached it though, and for a moment he wondered why the weight on his back didn't recede.

"Natsume." He paused. He called her name again. No movement. He laughed. He somehow hoped his laughter would lift her up, as what her words does to him.

He was right, but he has no way of knowing that... For now.

"Were here?" She said. "I'm sorry I fell asleep."

"No that's okay." He said as the girl stood on solid ground. He stepped on his pedals and looked at her one last time for the day. "The tears would be okay, but I hope you didn't get any drool on my shirt this time."

He managed a last glance at the girl, whose face was very red, and whose arms were about to push him over. "Stupid Sasayan!" She screamed just after he rode off.

"I'm kidding." He shouted back.

He didn't know why he was pedaling too fast on his way home. He could only know that it's become harder. He knows the girl believes that he had let go of her after she told him that she couldn't return her feelings. But it never went away.

Never.

Even after hearing that she won't like anybody after what happened to her and Micchan.

Never.

Even if the time when she'll like him back would most likely never come.

Never.

And it's very hard. It's very hard to hide it all in.

Never.

He still has a lot to know about the girl.


	3. Falling

**Disclaimer: I do not own Tonari No Kaibutsu-kun.**

* * *

_"The only thing worse than a boy who hates you: a boy that loves you."_

_ –Markus Zusak_

* * *

"Stupid Sasayan. Stupid stupid!" A girl with such brown hair and eyes was muttering to herself as she made her way to the front porch of her house. She never meant what she said, words just come out. Like a spur in the moment, and she knows he knows they were never serious too. She had become fond of saying stupid to Sasayan whenever he teases her, and so the two of them would just look to it as something not to have a fuss about. Instead, it's sort of a reminder for Sasayan that he's beaten the girl, or in other words, made her feel embarrassed, or equally disappointed.

_Stupid Sasayan._ The words echoed through her mind one last time.

_ Stupid Natsume._ She couldn't just not bring to herself in it.

_"Why do you go home with me?" _His words clang onto her brain like a hook. _"Are you trying hard, or whatever… whenever you're with me?"_

_I don't know. _She never did know. After what happened to Micchan, rejecting her, she never know if she would ever trust boys more than she currently trusted Haru and Sasayan. To be honest, she felt angry after that. She just didn't know where she was angry at.

Was it at herself? Because she got too carried away and let her guard down and let herself fall for a boy?

Was is at the situation? Because she regretted falling in love?

Was it at boys? Because of their never ending games that they always have fun with?

Was it at Michan? Because even though she put her heart into telling what she felt about him, he never returned it?

_He never returned it. _That's peculiar. I mean.

_I can't be angry about that. If I did, that would only make me a hypocrite. I mean, I didn't return Sasayan's feelings too…_

_Stupid Natsume._

She lied on her bed, covering her eyes with her wrists. She thought of him, how he smiled and how he made her smile. How he went with her, like she had a bodyguard whenever they went home. How he was the one who listened whenever Haru and Mitty didn't. She can't fall for him now, can she?

_It's too late for that. It's too unfair for him._

She had no idea, no way of knowing that the boy she's thinking about now was also lying in his bed last night, their positions almost alike, and whose mind was also filled with her. And maybe just maybe, he's thinking about her too right now….

But unlike the girl, the boy never had a single tear trail down the side of his eyes when he thought about the girl.

* * *

Morning came and the sunlight was like a monster to her eyes. She hadn't had dinner last night. She couldn't even remember when she fell asleep. She couldn't remember what she thought about when her body decided that she's done enough for the day.

"Natsumeeee!" She heard her mom call from the kitchen.

"Coming, mom." She said silently, even though she knows her mom couldn't hear her. She just felt the need to answer. She's been declining a lot of questions these times.

* * *

On her way too school, she walked. Sasayan didn't pass by her with his bike and his goofy smile. She felt kind of disappointed. Instead, she saw Mitty. As usual, a book was clutched in her hands and her eyes were glued to its black and white pages, and Natsume wonders how she ever finds her way without bumping into anyone with that.

"Mitty." She called. Even her loud and shrill voice was enough to make even the most unresponsive girl in school turn. She grinned when Mitty saw her. Mitty didn't smile back.

Natsume made her way past a bunch of other students, and she reached Mitty the same time Haru did.

"Ah. Haru?" She was quite surprised. Haru always surprises her. Sometimes, he comes out of nowhere and he stares at other people too. A bunch of kids at school avoid him because of his stare, but there was a time when he became a heartthrob. He was doing a lot of smiling then, she didn't know what made him think that smiling would be a lot better than staring. Maybe it had something to do with Mitty.

Mitty and Haru.

She looked at both of them, arguing over something at Physics. And at that moment,she thought of how far she is with the people she thought as friends. Mitty and Haru had this little love between them, sort of a boyfriend-girlfriend love, and she had found it good.

She can never understand what one of them was thinking though. And they're both smart. _When they go out together as official couples, what would happen to her then? _Mitty and Haru had always been her companions. She couldn't imagine the scenario she'll be into after that. She was looking down, drowned in her own thoughts when a boy with spiky hair from behind her ran up to them.

"Natsume-san." He was saying.

_Sasayan._

Sasayan was Natsume's friend too. She hated herself for being afraid if Mitty and Haru would soon go, because there's always Sasayan. Whenever she thinks about friends, she always left Sasayan on the line. She does consider him her friend, but at the same time, she feels that he belongs in a different category.

Not the male-enemy type. She had learned to trust him, just not enough.

He couldn't just place him anywhere, but even so, there he was, on her tail. He finds that amazing for the boy. Or maybe there was just something wrong with her. She couldn't find a place for the boy in her world, but he always finds his place in others. And she knows full well that she has a place inside that boy's world. She just doesn't know where.

She looked behind, and she was greeted back with an elfish grin. She can't help but smile back. She can't help but feel happy. She can't help but blush. And so she can't help but turn away too fast before he can say more.

An exchange of good mornings was told, and the four walked quietly to their rooms.

* * *

She couldn't take it anymore. Math was killing her, lessons were killing her. She looked over at Mitty and Haru, envying how they could go on with their school life without finding it hard. Haru was even asleep, maybe he got tired of looking at Mitty and decided to take a look at the back of his eyelids instead.

The finger that poked her cheek almost made her jump off her seat.

"Sorry for this morning." Sasayan said. Natsume looked at him, not knowing how to react at what she said. She could only reply, "What are you talking about?" All while creasing her eyebrows curiously.

"Oh." He laughed. "It's just, I thought you were at least hoping I would pass by you and let you have a ride."

"Oh." She said, relieved, though she didn't know why. _Of course I thought of you, I was even disappointed you didn't come_. But she never said any of that. All that came out of her mouth was a simple, "That's alright."

"My bike broke, and I was running late too." He explained. "I didn't have time to fix it. So I just walked."

"I noticed." She said. Something came to her mind, she somehow felt disappointed. She hated why she couldn't remember it, and after that, the boy has somehow helped him find out what it was.

"I'm sorry, for this coming afternoon." He said. "I promised you yesterday."

Natsume was sure this was the thing she felt disappointed about. Yesterday, the boy had promised him that they would ride down the steep road with his bike. And now it hit her that it would never happen, because his bike.

"Oh. Yeah." She said, frowning. "Sucks. But that's okay."

The two was silent for a while. "I can always walk with you." She said.

But she never knew if the boy heard her, or if he was even listening. She saw him looking out the window instead, wondering.

_Can I ever get away with this guy?_

* * *

She had nothing to do that afternoon, so she decided to feed Nagoya. The four of them, along with other people, had come together to build his shelter. Good times, she thought.

"Nagoya." She's feeling really stupid. Talking to a chicken. "Nagoya, how do I deal with all these thoughts. About school, about friends, about… him?"

She's feeling ultra stupid, asking for advices from a chicken. But it somehow felt right. She couldn't find anybody to talk to right now. Mitty and Haru were asked by the teacher to buy something. Sasayan's available, but… She can't talk to him about him right?

"Why do I find myself always thinking about him, Nagoya?"

The reply was a cuckoo.

"Am I falling for him Nagoya?"

Cuckoo.

"I'm not, right? I mean, It didn't really feel like this with Micchan. Does that mean I didn't really love him then?"

Cuckoo.

"No. That's just saying I'm falling for Sasayan. That can't be. No."

Cuckoo.

She said it all, in the midst of the quiet afternoon, with the breeze embracing her and a chicken staring back at her, asking for more food probably, she let loose the things she's hiding in her mind, through her mouth and into open air..And it felt good, boy did it feel good.

If only the boy he was talking about was there when she said that. If only he had heard those words come out from the girl he likes. If only, then their lives wouldn't have tangled up more, and it was tangled enough already.

* * *

The way home was with Sasayan, as usual. She sipped on her favorite juice again, which the boy had bought for her, and they, two, watched as the beautiful sunset blazed orange light across the huge sky.

"Sasayan-kun." She started a conversation, but she never knows how it will end up.

"Hmm?" The boy said to him. He was wearing his baseball cap, and under the hot light of the twilight sky, she could see that he was a little too serious. She didn't like it. She loved to see him smile, and grin. But she couldn't also deny the fact that he was… cute?

No. She can't be thinking about things like that right now. She can't be.

"Natsume?" He said. "What are you about to ask?"

"Oh yeah." She gets too carried away. "Sorry." She took another sip on her juice. "Sasayan-kun." She glanced at him, and he looked at her.

"Do you still like me?"

The boy covered his mouth with his hands, clearly embarrassed. He was thankful of his hat. He doesn't want her seeing him blush after saying that sudden question.

"What kind of question is that?" He said.

"Nothing. Forget it." She quickly said. Hoping that would somehow change the subject. Fortunately, Sasayan isn't a pushy guy. Instead he laughed, maybe wondering about how the words of the girl lifts her up, and he looked at her. Under the shade of his baseball hat, the eyes that stared back didn't look green. But she knows, she knows that that familiar green was tinted there, ready to stare back at her, and make her blood rush into her face.

"You look hot." He said.

She stopped. "What?" Even he couldn't help but stop walking and pause and register what he had just said.

"No. I didn't mean it that way." He said, waving his arms in front of her. "I meant…" He sighed.

He took his cap from his head and put it above hers. It fit perfectly. "Oh" was all she could say.

_No denying it. He is indeed cute._

The scenario was familiar. Sasayan had done this hat-transfer once before. When was it? Yeah. After she finally had the courage to visit Micchan a few days after the incident. And when she got out of the batting center, she found Sasayan waiting for her. And she found herself crying her eyes out. And that happened, and he held her hands, and she didn't even think about shaking it off.

"I'm sorry again. You wouldn't have had to walk so far if only I had my bike."

"I would be doing that like everyday of my school life if you aren't there, Sasayan."

"Beats me."

Pause.

"You're short." She couldn't help but laugh.

Sasayan looked offended, but he laughed too. "I know that. You don't have to remind me."

"I know. I just felt like saying it." She said, almost skipping.

"Rude." He said.

"I like saying things I like." And she walked, and she wondered why the boy was left behind. Why he stopped, and she looked back and she called his name, and she realized how much the boy was still in love with her.

And it took him seconds to answer the girl, and to catch up to her.

And she knows. She knows the boy was still in love with her.

* * *

It took lots of senseless conversations and cloud-pointing and laughing before they got to that road they both so like. They stopped ay they stood on its peak, looking down as If they're on top of the world.

"So." The boy said. "I guess we're walking huh?"

"Guess so." The girl replied. "But I want to feel the wind."

The boy pouted. "How bout we run?"

"What?"

"You heard me."

The girl stood still for a second before Sasayan's voice called. "Race you to the bottom?" And he ran off.

"Hey, you cheat." She shouted before running down after him. It felt good, using up all your muscles and just letting the wind take off the sweat. The feeling of not wanting to stop, partly because it's downhill and it's quite difficult to immobilize her legs then, but also partly because she felt free. She didn't even realize she was already catching up to the boy, but she can never beat him. As soon as the boy noticed she was just inches away, he used his baseball-fueled legs to run further down the road.

"Hey, let me win just one time." She called out to him.

"You never know Natsume, but you always win." He stopped running, the road was not so inclined then, and it was starting to go back to its normal state. He panted, holding his knees. "You always win." And he looked back at her, who also stopped running.

The space between them seemed miles away, but within that break of air that separated them from where they stood, Natsume can see that Sasayan was not joking it. And she can't help but think that there was something more behind those simple words of victory that he just said.

And she watched as he walked back to her and removed his hat from her head and put it on him. She watched as he smiled.

"Want another juice?"

He grabbed his bag and fished out something from it. He handed it to her, she accepted it with opened hands and mouth.

"You brought two?"

"Actually, three." He fished out another for himself. "I know this would somehow happen."

And he walked, and it was her turn to be left behind.

* * *

When they reached her house. She thanked him, for everything. And he said goodbye, and she did too. And she watched as he walked away.

And she knows. She knows the boy was still in love with her.

And it pains her, it kills her.

Was she feeling betrayed? After thinking that he finally gotten over her? Was she angry? Was she surprised how strong the boy was? Was there something about the way he said that she always wins, that would somehow answer all her questions?

Even if the boy confesses to her again, would she answer the same thing she did before? Or could she see herself accepting it?

She can't, because she was still hurt. After her and Micchan. She can't, because she trusted boys too much, and that happened. She can't, because she was afraid to trust so much again. She can't, because she didn't want to go through that again.

And it's such a tease, because right then and there was she starting to fall for him.

Or was it really just falling for him?

Was it falling harder?


	4. Giving Up

**Disclaimer: I do not own Tonari No Kaibutsu-kun.**

* * *

_"It's hard cause your eyes are so deep, I fall for you over again everytime I see you staring back at me. It's hard 'cause I should keep it caged inside even if it grew to be as fierce as a lion. It's hard cause I never learn, and I chose to live in a landmine. It's hard because you're so close but I couldn't even get a grip on you."_

* * *

"_I like saying things I like."_

The words echoed though his mind. Does he still love her? That's the question he always asks himself. And that's also the question he wasn't sure if the answer is right. Yes, he still loves her. But there's always a thought. He knows Natsume would never fall for him back. Never. She'd been too much.

That leads him to the conclusion.

_I guess I'll have to let her go. For good._

The thought had always been in his mind too. Hiding in the corner, and now maybe is the time to let it show. He tried to let go in the past, but how can he?

When everyday she's there with him? Laughing with him, looking at him, being with him.

How can he forget he had feelings for her when she is there everyday to remind him?

But he had to. He had to do it.

* * *

One of these times the four of them would always be in the batting center. Until now, Sasayan still notices that Natsume is not her usual talkative self whenever Micchan is around. He always glance at her whenever the manager says something , or directly addresses her. He always glances at her, and he doesn't know if she knows.

"I'll play some ball for a while." Sasayan said.

Haru looked at him and nodded, then continued on building houses made of cards. Mitty, as usual, was reading, occasionally flicking her hair on her back. The manager was washing some cups. And Natsume. Well, Natsume was looking at the manager

* * *

Sasayan noticed that he's been hitting the balls a little bit harder than usual. And he can't seem to focus to. He didn't know. Was he angry?

Was he angry at himself because he can't seem to get over her?

Was he angry at the manager for breaking Natsume's heart?

Was he angry at Natsume because she still can't get over the manager?

_Still can't get over? _That's funny. I mean.

_I couldn't even let her go._ _What good am I compared to her?_

At that moment he hit his 25th ball. And he was out of focus, until someone peeked through the diamond-shaped holes in the batting cage. It was Natsume.

"Sasayan-kun?" She said, a little too quiet.

"You done giving him the googly eyes?" He said, half serious.

But of course, the girl took it too hard. "I'm not giving him the googly eyes. You can't be jealous about it, can't you?"

Sasayan could only laugh. He swang his bat down and turned to look at her. "I can't, can I?"

Natsume rolled her eyes. "You're being mean again."

"I'm not." He said. "It's nice to have a fight every once in a while."

Natsume puckered. "Why are you so… complicated sometimes?" Nastume almost screamed. "You give me juice, you ride me home, and then you want to argue with me. You look at me as if you still like me and then you say harsh words?"

Those words made Sasayan stand still.

"_You look at me as if you still like me." _Those words put thorns on him, but it also made his rage inside go all out. He stopped playing altogether and went out of the cage. He stood in front of Natsume, and looked into her eyes. Both of them didn't want to lose contact, but Sasayan always wins. As soon as she looked away, Sasayan spoke.

"Complicated?" He said. "You think I'm complicated?"

"Yes." She said, almost too sure, she was about to say something more when

"Don't you think you should look at yourself too, Natsume?" Sasayan interrupted. He sat down, hugging his knees, and he leaned on the wall. For a moment he felt that t wasn't strong enough to support his back. Or maybe it's just him. Maybe it's just he's feeling not strong enough to stand still and look at the girl without hesitation.

"Do you think?" He paused for a while. "Do you think it didn't even cross my mind that you are a little too complicated sometimes to?"

"You always throw back the things I say to you. Why can't you just accept it even once."

"Do you think I don't accept it, Natsume?" He looked at her now. "I'm not throwing it back at you, I'm just telling you the truth. You. I know you find it hard to trust boys. I know it makes you shudder every time you remember I confessed to you. I know you looked at me differently after that, and I know that it put your trust standards on me a little higher. But.. But…" He can't continue what he was about to say. He felt his eyes water.

_Crap_. He thought. _You seriously can't be crying right now._

He looked away. And the girl looked at him, even if he didn't look back. And she sat with him, beside him. She hugged her legs and she hid her face behind her knees.

"But what?" She said, her voice a little high and ashamed.

"I can't help but feel it." He said. "Not at Micchan, I can't be jealous at him. Who cares if you like him? You're the stronger one that told him how you felt first, I can't be angry at that. If I do, that only makes me a coward."

"You're a coward even still." Natsume said. "Why didn't you just tell it before all that?"

"Because I already know the answer." He said. "Because I already know you like someone else. Because… because if I did, I'm afraid what would happen between the two of us. I'm… I'm afraid on how you'll look at me after I told you."

He paused. No one spoke after that. But Sasayan had to continue.

"There are other things to think of, and that's the case. Those other things. I told you before, that you'd kill me. You'd kill me if you'll completely trust Haru but not me. I know it was a mistake falling for you, and telling you all about it, but I just hope that that didn't make it harder for me. "

"What do you want me to do then?" Natsume said. "I even spend more time with you now, can't you see it? I go with you on the way home, I talk to you whenever I feel lonely, because… because sometimes Haru didn't just fit to all of it. You go on saying that. As if, I'm the meanest person ever, but can't you see?"

Sasayan didn't reply.

"I wanted to ask for your help." Natsume said. "I wanted you to help me clear it all."

"Clear what?" Sasayan said.

"Now you're interested." She said. "Just forget it. That made it way too clear now."

Pause.

"You know it's hard Natsume." Sasayan said. "Every little bit of it."

Natsume was silent.

"Everytime I look at you-"

"Why can't you just let go of me?" Natsume blurted it. "I know you still like me, the way you look at me, it's all so clear. Just let it all go already." She looked at him, and her eyes were almost filled with tears.

The boy could only look at her back, mouth opened by distress. "It's all too hard Natsume. Do you know how it feels like to see the person you like everyday, and laugh with her, and talk to her, but can't be with her? Do you know how it feels when everytime I'm with you, I can't help but feel warm. That everytime I see you, everytime you laugh, everytime you look at me, I have to remind myself not to dwell in it for too long because I often forget I shouldn't fall in love with you? You know what's harder? It's to know and decide that the only way to stay with the person you like is by keeping it to yourself, by hiding it all in, and by looking to them only as a friend? It's because you know, we both know that if I tell you all that, everything that I've tried hard to get would all go to waste? The worst part? It's standing by you, standing by you but the space between us always seems so wide."

Silence. For a moment they both looked at each other, and they both realized that none of them really knew each other. The girl hid her face behind her knees again, probably to hide the tears. And the boy looked away. He couldn't bear looking at her.

There it was. It mocks them, the quietness. It rises as their minds realize that they've been thinking about wrong things, too wrong. And it sits with them. Every agonizing second that both of them don't say anything.

And it was like that. It stayed like that for how many minutes. The silence haunted them until the girl fell asleep. And the boy could only look at her.

"Sorry." He said. "I'm so sorry Natsume."

And he hated himself. He hated because he couldn't say it before she was asleep. Before she can hear him. And so he took off his jacket and put it around the girl. That's the least he can do. Hopefully it would keep her warm, despite the coldness that he had given her. And he left.

He left Natsume sleeping. He left the manager and Mitty and Haru with words telling he had something to do. He left saying that "Natsume's alright, she's asleep. Though she may not talk to me after tonight.", when Haru asked him about the girl.

And he didn't know. But the girl heard it all. She heard him say sorry, until everything he said when he shut the door behind him.

* * *

It was all too sudden. And he's pedaling too was a little too quick. He was glad the wind was against him. It carried most of his tears away, though it wasn't too much.

_"Why can't you just let go of me?" _

_Let go? Sure, that's what I've been trying to do all this time. But know what? I just can't do it. But maybe this time, I can…_

As soon as he reached his house, he left his bike lying sideways on the ground. He didn't have time to fix it, he went straight into his room.

"Souhei!" His mother called him. "What's the problem?"

"Nothing mom." He lied.

"Well then feed this cat. He's been looking for you since afternoon. He's hungry, I suppose." His mom said.

And surprisingly, he got out because of the cat.

* * *

He poked the cat. "Neko. Neko." He said. "What should I name you?"

The cat looked at him back with those eyes. How hard it was to look straight back at them.

"Meow?" The cat said.

He smiled. "I didn't know you were so greedy when it comes to food."

"Meow."

"Here, have some more. Be sure you go outside when you pee, kay?"

He felt stupid. But he felt at least a little bit better.

He looked up, he saw the stars. He was sitting at their back porch, and he thought if he'll really make the decision tonight.

* * *

When he sat at his bed, he thought of their fight. Sure, they fought a lot, but it was never that serious. It never reached the point that none of them had anything to say.

_She's really gonna hate me tomorrow._

_What if I pass by her on my way to school? What will I do?_

But it was clear. Tonight he would finally let go of her. Not because of their fight. No. He would never stoop so low and make a fight the reason why he decided to let his feelings all go. He would do it because it's tired of running, and he knows that the finish line wouldn't come. And that he's been thinking about this for so long ago, but he's just too afraid to do it.

This time, it would all stop.

"Tomorrow I'm gonna make up with her. I'll tell her I'm sorry and I'd go back to being friends with her."

He sighed.

_I hope it wouldn't be so hard._

* * *

He was late to school the next day. Not because he woke up late, not because he had trouble feeding the cat, not because he passed someone on his way to school. No. He did it on purpose.

"Good morning." He said, as he entered their room. His teacher looked back at him with a blank expression then nodded at his seat.

Haru leaned in close to him. "Why were you late? You're never late."

"I guess I am right now, huh?" He said, then he laughed. He glanced at Natsume, and she looked away just as his eyes met hers.

_She still really hates me, huh._

He tried to listen at whatever the teacher was saying, but he just couldn't concentrate. He can't help but look at Natsume.

* * *

Library. And Mitty was alone. This is new, Sasayan thought. He sat with her, and she looked at him.

"Sooo." He said. "Where's Haru?"

"I told him to buy some snacks." Shizuku said. "He's so easily fooled.

"You're evil." Sasayan said.

Shizuku glared at him. "What happened to you and Natsume."

"Hehe." Natsume rubbed the back of his head like an idiot. "We may have gotten to a little fight."

"And you?" She said. "Why were you late?"

"I woke up at around-" He looked at Shizuku and he noticed that she wasn't convinced. He sighed. "Fine."

And he told the reason.

"I don't know what to do if ever I see Natsume on the way. I… I don't know if I should just pass by her, or stop and let her ride. But I know that would be pointless 'cause she'll never agree with it. She'll just ignore me, like when I looked at her today."

"And you were late because?" Shizuku wasn't impressed.

"Well, I left the house a little too late. Because I know Natsume would already be at school then, and I won't have trouble running into her."

Shizuku nodded.

"So why are you here?" She said.

"Can't a guy read some books every once in a while?" He laughed.

* * *

It went on like that for the rest of the day. Natsume would ignore Sasayan, and Sasayan would feel stupid everytime he waves at her, while she looks the other way.

At lunch, Sasayan sat next to her. And she quickly finished her food, stood up, and walked away as soon as Sasayan was beside him.

PE, Sasayan cheered on to her on track team. But then she tripped and fell, it was embarrassing.

Eventually, Sasayan gave up. He never bothered Natsume. The only times they were together is when the four of them had meetings in the batting center, and whenever Haru insists they go to some donut shop.

He found one time alone with her, though, and he asked her if she wants to come with him home. She simply nodded her head politely, told him she had somewhere to go, and left. Sasayan concluded that everyday, she'd be going somewhere before they went home.

And that indeed was true, but at the same time wrong.

* * *

One time Sasayan was with his teammates,it was a day after he was having a study session in Shizuku's house. He knows that many of his baseball pals fancy Natsume. He always tells them that they should never hit on her though, because she'd hate it. He tells them because of that, and also for the other reason.

"What happened between you two, by the way?" One of his pals asked.

"Maybe she decided I was a bit annoying." Sasayan would tell them.

"Maybe I should ask her out then?" Shimoyanagi was saying.

"No, man." Sasayan said.

"Why? Because you want him for yourself?"

"Not that, silly." Sasayan said. "It's just. She's been through a lot lately."

"And?" One of them said.

"You don't understand her." Sasayan said.

"And you think you understand her more than us?" One said. "Quit faking it, you had a fight with her didn't you?"

"Yeah." He admitted. "Yeah I did. Wanna know why?"

The other boys were quiet.

"Because I was stupid. I argued with her. And I didn't understand her well enough. But I fought her."

He thought about it after saying those words. He thought about how Natsume was making it too easy for him. By ignoring him, by not talking to him, by not being with him, he found it easier to let her go. Her eyes wasn't there to pull him back up to her. Her laughter didn't tell him to be always on her side.

He should be thanking her, even.

Maybe he'll make her happy this time.


	5. Losing

**Disclaimer: I do not own Tonari No Kaibutsu-kun.**

* * *

"It started out as a feeling.

Which then grew into a hope.

Which then turned into a quiet thought,

Which then turned into a quiet word."

-Regina Spektor

* * *

Natsume walked home alone. And she was miserable. This is one day she never actually talked to Sasayan. Never. Because she was afraid to look at him. Because she doesn't know what to do if ever she found herself caught in him.

So she resorted to ignoring.

_Why didn't I just agree when he asked me if I wanted a ride home? I'm stupid!_

It wasn't at all helping.

Tomorrow she would talk to him.

* * *

The next day, she didn't pass by Sasayan on her way to school, again. But this time, it was different. When she came to school, Sasayan was already there. She actually stopped as she stepped in the door when she saw him. He didn't notice her though.

She can't help but look at him when they were having classes. He sits at the back, so it was hard. She just moved her eyeballs to the side so she won't have to turn her head completely. It would be so obvious if she did.

She wanted to go over him and say she's sorry. She wanted to talk to him like they usually do. But when? She wanted it to be alone.

At snack break, she found her opportunity. Sasayan was busy kicking the vending machine because it somehow didn't spit out his drink. It was actually funny seeing him. He was cursing the vending machine.

He must've heard her laugh because Sasayan turned to where she was standing. And for a moment it feels as if they were back at the pet store. That time when they just looked at each other straight in the eye and no words. No words that connected them, only their eyes.

"Sasayan-kun." She said.

"Natsume." He said. Then he laughed, like he usually does. "I must've been stupid, kicking an inanimate object." Then he stopped. The vending machine made a whirring sound, and his grape soda went out. "There it is."

Then he inserted another money in its mouth. "You better not be stubborn." Surprisingly, it listened. It spat out the juice immediately. He handed it to Natsume, like he usually does.

"Wanna talk?" He said. "Why are you ignoring me?"

Natsume gasped. _Why can he do it? Like talk to me as if we weren't avoiding each other. Maybe I'm the only one avoiding him. How stupid can I really be?_

Natsume nodded with a little "Mmm."

Sasayan laughed.

"Sasayan-kun." She started. "I'm… I'm sorry."

Sasayan stared at her, mouth agape. "Is that what you wanted to say all this time?" He asked.

She nodded.

"I'm sorry too, Natsume."

"I know." She said. "I heard you say it to me. I know you put your jacket on me too." She was a little embarrassed. So was Sasayan. He was basically averting her gaze now.

"I'm really sorry Sasayan." She said again.

"Stop saying that." He said. "You make it sound like it's all your fault. Besides," He looked at her now. "It felt good, didn't it?"

"Yeah. Maybe. A little." She agreed.

"It felt good to say what I wanted to say." He said. "It made me think too."

"Think about what?" She said.

"Well." He said. "Well, after you told me to just let you go, it made me think. You don't know, Natsume, but I've been doing all that ever since you told me you just wanted to be friends. And it was just so difficult, not when you were always with me. But after our fight, after you said that… I reconsidered, and by you ignoring me most of the time, I figured it wasn't that hard."

Natsume was struck. She didn't know why. It was something about his words. His message was so clear but she can't quite believe it. She wanted to assure if it really was what he meant.

"So… so" She said shakily, she hated it. "So… you finally let go of me?" Sasayan didn't reply, but his smile was already it. His eyes looked like he's been hurt, or maybe it was just her. Maybe she just didn't want to believe it.

Maybe she didn't at all wanted him to get over her.

She hated why she ever told him that. Why she told him that he should just let go of her. Now those words. The words she said, it also hit her. His decisions hit her. But despite those, she acted like she was glad of it.

"So… we go back to usual now?" She asked him.

"If by usual you mean me talking to you whenever possible. You not ignoring me, then yes. The usual seems pretty good." He said. "So... friends?" He looked at her with his green eyes, and his spiky hair was still skewed to his left. And he looked cute as ever.

It took a while before she could say, "Yes. Friends it is."

And she didn't smile.

* * *

After their talk, it seemed normal. But something wasn't right. And Natsume didn't know what it was. Maybe it was something deep in her heart, but she just didn't have the shovel yet to dig it enough and find out what it was.

She got what she wanted, she can talk to him now. They even went back to their usual walk then slide down on their way home. It felt good, but it wasn't as fun as before. Before he told her… before he let go of her.

And at that time too, she noticed something. Maybe it was always there, but she didn't just notice it then, but it was right there. She observed many things about him now.

* * *

On weekend, she decided to go out. She had nothing to do in her house anyway, and she was already done talking with her online friends. She never planned on buying anything, so she didn't bring much money. She just wanted to go out, take a walk, and just think.

She was walking past one of the café shops she and Haru went to the other day. She remembered the fragrance of coffee, the taste of it bittersweet. She wanted to walk right in and drink, but the weather doesn't agree. It was too hot for a coffee, and even so, she doesn't want to spend her money.

When she looked away, she saw a familiar figure. He's back was on her, but she could see that spiky hair, the short figure (not short like really short, but short for the boys of his age-type kind of short). Sasayan-kun? she thought.

_That's not Sasayan. He's holding a cat. I've never seen him hold a cat before._

_ Wait._

_ Sasayan told me he found a stray cat. Is that it?_

She didn't need to ask herself because the boy turned around after that. And they saw each other, and as usual, he was the first to smile and say hi.

"Where you goin'? Natsume?" He said.

She walked over to him. She didn't answer his question, instead she touched the little kitty that was resting on his hands.

"Oh." He said. "Ok."

"What's her name?" She asked him.

"I thought I told you it was a boy." He said, and he laughed, but not an insulting kind of laugh.

"Oh yeah." She said. "Sorry." She felt mortified being so stupid, but Sasayan wasn't the one who'll hate her because of it.

"Did you just buy him food again?" She asked.

"Yeah." He said. "And he's having a ruckus in the house too, so I figured he just wanted to walk outside."

"Hmmm." She hummed. "Oh yeah. What's HIS name?"

Sasayan laughed, "Actually, I hadn't thought of a good name yet."

"Really?" She said. "What have you been calling him then?"

"Neko?" He said, hiding his face away, and Natsume was sure she always liked seeing him like this. You know, some sort of like a revenge, because she felt like she was always the stupid one in their conversations. But whenever Sasayan hides his face away, Natsume can't help but laugh in the inside, and it's really cute too.

"Neko?" She laughed. "That's cute."

"How bout I call him Natsuneko?" He said.

"Summer cat?" She said. "You didn't even find him in summer."

"That can be, yes." He said. "But I got it after your name, Natsume. NATSUME. NATSU. NEKO. Natsuneko."

Natsume punched his shoulders. Too soft. "But she laughed."

"Natsuneko it is then."

Natsume glared at him.

"For the mean time." He quickly added. He laughed. "So, where you going?"

"I don't really know. I just wanted to walk… and think."

"Think about what?" He asked.

"Nothing."

"Hmmm." He hummed. "I guess I'll go with you then. I'm done with my work. Besides," He looked at the cat. "Natsuneko doesn't feel like going home for now."

Natsume walked ahead of him, so she can smile without him seeing it.

* * *

"How about we go to the park?" He suggested.

"That's good. Sure." She agreed.

And they went.

Natsume found an empty swing, and she sat. She was holding the chains that bound it to float on the air. Sasayan was looking at her, still holding the cat.

"Let me hold him." Natsume said. "He's sooo cute."

"I know." Sasayan agreed. "Look at his eyes."

Natsume did. "They're brown."

"Like mine."  
"Like yours."

They said it at the same time. Then the wind blew. As if almost all the time when they find themselves looking at each other's eyes, the wind would pass by them. As if it knows that words would falter, and so it's there to fill the space that's been lingering between them.

"Is that why you named him… after me?" Natsume asked

"Most likely." He said. But the sparkle in his eyes was lost.

* * *

They played for that for quite awhile, and Natsume was bothered because she felt that missing part of her again. She doesn't know what it is, but it triggered when Sasayan looked at her without life.

"Natsuneko go go go." He was cheering on for his cat, which he put at the top of the slide and refused to come down.

"Come on, Natsuneko." He shouted. "It's not that scary to slide down. In fact, it's fun."

She looked at him, and she wondered maybe it was in fact because she knew that he had already let go of her that's been causing all this. Maybe everytime she would look at him, she remembered the words he said that he's got no feelings for her anymore.

Maybe it was because everytime he looked at her now, she can see that it wasn't the same whenever she knows that he still loved her. Maybe she was just taking it for granted, his love. She was too sure of it, and so she never much seen the beauty of it.

If you're too sure of something, you never give much thought about it. So it sits there, and mocks you. Because you think you already know each plot and point about it, but actually, you never did. Just because you're sure about something doesn't mean you have full control of it.

"Natsume-san." His voice pulled her out of her deep thoughts, and all she could do was just look at him, and stop looking as if she wanted him to like her again. As if she wants him to just hug her, and make her feel better.

And she knows, he would never do it. Not now. Not after all that.

"Sasayan-kun." She said. "Can I borrow your hat?"

At that moment, she thought he would do it. She thought he would remove it from his head and put it on hers. Just like what he did before he held her hand for the first time. Like what he did when they walked home one day and she realized that the boy still loved her.

But he just handed it to her, maybe because he was busy with the cat.

And she just took it, and put it on herself.

And then, she realized. She can feel it.

The boy really didn't have feelings for her now. And it stirred something at the bottom of her heart.


	6. Under The Sky

**Disclaimer: I do not own Tonari No Kaibutsu-kun.**

* * *

_My heart is playing tricks on me._

_And it's building bricks on me._

_I can't break through_

_And I can't face you._

_-Lenka_

* * *

One time, before they went home, Natsume asked if they could pass by the park for a while. He agreed, and now they were quietly sipping on their juice, sitting side by side by the swings.

"The weather's nice." He said. "I should've brought Natsuneko."

Natsume smiled. "Yeah. He would've been friends with Nagoya. I miss him, though, really."

"Maybe I'll give it you someday." He said. "When he's not so fond of making a ruckus anymore."

"Maybe we'd take care of her together someday." She said out of the blue, and the swing beside her stopped moving.

"Was that a joke?" He said with a laugh.

"Maybe." Natsume said.

It wasn't a joke.

* * *

The girl was following her now. She was trying to beat him on monkey bars.

"Sasayan-kun." She said. "Unfair. You've got strong arms."

"No I don't, it's just I'm better than you."

"Shut up." She said. "You play baseball."

The boy laughed. "Hey, you may stop now. Don't follow me anymore. I'll try on that bar over there. It's pretty high."

He stretched out his hand to that bar, and fortunately, he reached it. He waited before he was really gripping on his right hand before he moved his left.

Unfortunately, the girl didn't listen. She followed suit. And as she did, her hands didn't support her like the boy's did. And she fell.

The boy could only glance before he let go of the final bar he was hanging on to. He walked towards the girl and held her.

"Natsume!" He said, loud, kind of angry. "I told you. Now look at you."

"I'm sorry, Sasayan-kun. I just hate you. You always beat me."

"You beat me at every other things, but not this one." He said. "Please. How's your arm?"

She moved her harms. "My arm's fine." She looked down. "Though my feet's wounded.

Sasayan looked at her legs and he saw a trail of blood. Not much, but it looked nasty. He looked back at where she fell, and he saw a rock.

_She fell on that? _

The boy sighed.

He helped the girl up, letting her sit on one of the benches.

She smiled at him sheepishly, and said "Sorry, Sasayan-kun."

He couldn't help but look away.

_ You finally let go of her, remember? You can't just blush at the sight of her smile again._

He composed himself. "Next time don't do something as stupid as that again."

The girl nodded.

"Wait for me."

And he left. The girl was alone.

When he came back he brought juice and a nice clean towel. The girl was relieved. He handed her the drink before fixing her leg up with the fabric. She looked at him most of the time when he worked . He could feel her eyes on him. He can't look up at her. What if he'll blush again?

_Crap. What's wrong. I let go of her already. Stop stop stop._

When it was finally done, she said her thanks.

"Now." He said, standing up. He looked at her as if she's a helpless animal. "Can you walk?"

Natsume pouted. "Of cour'se I can." She stood up. "It was just a gash."

"Do I need to carry you?" He said, joking. "Ouch." He said, imitating her voice, and it was awful. "My leg got wounded, I can't walk."

"I do not sound like that."

"Yes you do."

"No, I don't." She said. "You're terrible at mimicking voices."

"Do me, then." He said. "If you're really good at it."

She cleared her throat. "Do I need to carry you?"

Sasayan cracked up. "You're no better."

"Shut up." Then she felt his hands on her back, and she was lifted from her seat.

"Sasayan-kun." She wailed. "Put me down."

The boy laughed. "I thought you'd like to be carried." He put her down. "You're very light, did you lose weight?"

The girl punched him in the shoulder. She walked away, stomping her feet.

"Oh wait wait." The boy said, following her.

"Let's go by the river." She said as she turned around, facing him. Her hair was lighting up, he thought as the sunlight loomed behind her. "I bet the sunset's great."

_Beautiful._

* * *

As soon as they reached the inclination of fresh grass into the cold, sparkling water, she plopped down. So did the boy. They both talked about Natsuneko, and thinking how he would run around if they set him free on the grass.

"Doesn't he run away, though?" Natsume asked.

"Naaah." He said. "He always comes back to me."

_Yeah. That's right. The cat always comes back to me._

_ "Is that the reason why you named him after me?"_

_ "Most likely."_

Guess you're not at all like the cat, huh, he thought.

"Hey look." Sasayan pointed ahead. "It's almost behind the peak now."

His voice caught her off guard, like she was having a deep thought or something. And she looked at where he was pointing. It was wonderful. The orange sun was slowly sinking down to its hiding place. He wished he was the sun, to just hide down and reappear when it's a new day. When every hope is regained. The sky was starting to dim now, and the stars showered the sky.

That's the wonder of the sky. Whenever a spectacle goes out, a new one appears.

He wondered why the girl was so quiet. She looked as though she was about to cry, and wanted nothing more that to let the tears flow, and hide under him. Like what he did the last time they watched the stars that formed like a lattice in the atmosphere. Maybe she wanted to hold his hand, to tell him to stay with her. But she can't think any of that, can she?

He doesn't know anything. He doesn't know that he was right about that. Spot on right.

And the girl was so much surprised when he held out his hand to her.

It was waiting to be held. "Stand up." He said. "The view also looks good when you're standing."

Natsume didn't move.

"Come on, my hands aren't that weak to help you up." He grinned. "I beat you in bars, remember?"

So she took it. And as she did, she felt him pull her towards him. Maybe she left all her strength on the grass. He pulled her as if she weighed nothing, and as they stood, they were so close. She wanted to say something, to brush out the awkwardness between them.

"You're short." She said.

He pouted. "Stop rubbing it all in." He said, he laughed. "But I don't care, I'm still taller than you."

He tiptoed.

And she did too. But she can never reach him.

"Who's short now?" He joked. And maybe he got tired of supporting himself with just the tips of his toes, but he stood on his feet. And the girl was still on her toes.

And at that moment they were almost the same height.

The boy looked straight into the girl's eye, thinking how beautiful she is, and thinking how unfair life was for not letting him have her.

The girl looked straight into his eyes, and at that moment, she drowned in him. It all went out. The missing feeling she felt in her heart. She doesn't need any shovel to dig it all up and find out what it was, it showed itself. It shone, it rose, and she felt it. That time when he held her hand (he never held her hand now), he didn't hug her when she felt she'd be in pieces, he didn't look at her with gleaming eyes like he did when he still liked her. And she missed all those little things. All those little things she didn't appreciate and is haunting her now.

And she kissed him.

Not the usual boy-kisses girl thing. The girl kissed him. And it wasn't a long kiss; it was just a peck on the lips.

But she felt it. They both felt it. The boy looked at her back with wide eyes, speechless.

And after realizing what she just did, her eyes went wide too.

She covered her mouth with her hands, and her face was the reddest it has ever become.

"I'm sorry." She said.

"Natsume-san." The boy was still shocked, like he was just forcing her name to come out.

And she ran away. She had once hated boys, she recognized them as her enemies. And now she found herself kissing one. She knew that she lost.

_"You always win, Natsume. You never know, but you always win."_

But she lost now, she couldn't fight what she felt, and it happened. She gave up, and she hated losing to a boy. She was so ashamed about it that her legs carried her away.

He called out to her, but he didn't follow. He was just paralyzed. He couldn't move. She could only watch her run away.

Under a show of constallations and lunar radiance, a girl ran away.

A boy was left standing. Touching his lips, and wondering what the hell just happened.

* * *

The boy walked quietly alone, he justed walked, even when his bike was there beside him.

He could see it now. He can almost predict what would happen tomorrow. He might have let her go, but he still know her. Tomorrow, she would not talk to him.

He thought about it, he told her that she would kill him that way, when he would ignore her but not Haru. She did it before, after the fight, but it went right eventually. They got back to normal. Too normal, even his feelings went away.

_I probably shouldn't try talking to her tomorrow. She'd just be embarrassed. She probably can't even look at me. Besides… I don't want to talk about that kiss… Yet._

_ I'll give her space, some time to think. And I'll only talk to her after she does to me._

He had all thoughts, but there was one thought he couldn't seem to vanish. The thought of why she kissed him. What went on her mind to do that. Even though he's become a friend, Natsume can't just kiss a guy like that, right?

_Sucks. Right after I let it all go._

He stopped, and he stayed under the night sky for a while.


	7. Stuggle

**Disclaimer: I do not own Tonari No Kaibutsu-kun.**

* * *

_"And I will make sure to keep my distance._

_Say "I love you", when you're not listening_

_And how long can we keep this up?"_

_-Christina Perri_

Natsume didn't know what to think of after that. After the kiss, she ran home, alone. And she was thinking, not thinking about how mad she is at herself. No. She was thinking about how she regretted it all.

And she did not regret the kiss either.

She never said a thing, she just ran. And there were a lot of things she wanted to tell him at that. She wanted to tell him not to leave her. She wanted to just tell him that she liked him.

There were a lot of things, and it's choking her. It's just dying to come out. But instead, tears did. And as she walked quietly now, she wanted nothing else more than Sasayan there beside her.

* * *

_Why didn't I tell him? Was it because I'm afraid? And I told him he's a coward too. I should've told that to myself. But why didn't I just tell him that I…_

_ I…_

_ I've fallen for him?_

Her face was red-hot after thinking about it. Despite all the thoughts that's been jumbling up her head, she managed to feel it all in. And now she's embarrassed. "Stupid Sasayan, why do you have to let me fall for you without you doing anything? Why through missing the little things you usually did?"

Even before, she thought that she liked him back, but she always pushed the thought aside. She can't have herself falling for a guy that easily. With just him being there always for her, with just him knowing her probably more than she ever did. She didn't think it was really true. But truly, after the fight she had with Sasayan, only then did she believe it was true.

_He probably thinks I hate him, because he let me kiss him without holding me back. How would I face him tomorrow? Maybe I should just avoid him? Even if I have a perfectly good plan, I would still resolve to avoiding him. Because I know myself, because I just can't look at him... I can't…_

_ I'll only remind myself that I've lost fighiting myself. His hair, his stupid smile, his…_

_ No! Baka baka baka! _

_ He told me he's been hiding it all in when he still liked me. Does that mean I have to go through that now?_

_ But what did he think of after I kissed him?_

* * *

The next morning she did a pretty good job of avoiding him. She was tired of it, after the fight, they weren't talking to each other. But even so, sometimes when she looks at him, he smiles.

But now, he doesn't even do that.

Maybe he wanted to give her space too.

_Maybe he doesn't want to talk about the ki- kiss too._

It actually went on like that for a few days. She hates herself because she knows Sasayan thinks he shouldn't talk to her. But she just can't look at him without remembering she failed on her supposed to be confession.

There are times when she feels she couldn't take it. She wanted to ask him to walk with her one donut-session. But before she could talk to him, he was already pedaling off with his bike.

* * *

Days after that, Sasayan didn't try to talk to her completely. He didn't even look at her. Maybe Sasayan was just waiting for her to talk to him first, she thought. And they are doing this all because she's afraid, and she wouldn't face him back, probably because of her pride too.

She was torn. Now she can't talk to him, she busted her chance. He'd think she was playing hard to get if she would talk to him on her own now. She didn't even know if Sasayan would answer her after all that she did. Even though Sasayan doesn't know she's doing it intentionally, it's still terrible, how she's been.

One time she was alone with Mitty. Haru and Sasayan were buying something from the convenience store, probably some chips to give them something good while facing their notebooks, reading their lessons.

And it was one of the few times too, that she had a pretty good conversation with Mitty.

And more surprisingly, Mitty started it.

"He's afraid of you, you know." She said, looking at Natsume with a blank expression.

"What are you talking about?" Natsume asked.

"Souhei." Mitty replied.

His name was like a stranger to her ears. Sure, she knew Sasayan had a real name. But hearing this now was like finding some toy under the bed. Some toy you had when you were just a little kid, and you forgot it completely, and right now it comes back flashing in. She's been too fond of calling him Sasayan. Stupid stupid Sasayan. And because of that, it took too long for the words to come out of her mouth.

"Sasayan? What do you mean he's afraid of me?"

"Remember when he was late for school one time?" Mitty's reply was so sudden that she didn't have time to think about what she said. But she remembers it anyway, so she slightly nodded.

"He told me." Mitty said, and stopped writing on her notebook. She looked at Natsume and continued on, "He told me he was late because he was afraid of running into you on the way to school."

Natsume was speechless, she just stared back at Mitty as if she doesn't even know what they were talking about.

"He said that he went out of his house a little too late because he knows by then you'd already be in school."

"But that was after our fight, Mitty." She said. "To be honest, I don't even quite remember what we were really fighting about. But we talked it out after that."

"Then why are you two acting like strangers this time?" Mitty asked.

"Because…" She said. "I'm not sure. But. Is it weird if I tell you that he's cute?"

"We've had our own preferences. But yeah. Souhei is definitely cute." Mitty said.

Natsume didn't know it that was what really came out of Mitty's mouth. Or if she could even say that. But nonetheless, she felt better.

"I think I like him, Mitty."

"I already quite know that."

"How?"

"That's not important. The point is, is something wrong with that?" Mitty asked.

Natsume looked down, she thought about it. She was silent, like she doesn't know what to say back. And it was true, she really didn't know the answer. Is something really wrong with her liking him? After everything that she's feeling about him, she even almost forgot about his dilemmas with boys.

"Nothing." She just said. But she knows that the problem was Sasayan already let go of her, and that she kissed him. And that she ran away, and she's not ready to tell anyone that yet. Not even to Mitty.

"Thank you, Mitty." She added. "Thanks. For telling me that."

"I'm your friend." Mitty said, looking back now at her notes. "And so is Haru. So if you want to talk to us about something, approach us."

The tears were almost starting to fall. She wanted to tell her, but she outran her, or shall we say, outtalked her.

"You're the one who told me all that before, to talk to friends when you have problems. Now, why aren't you even doing that?" Mitty said. "And next time," she looked at Natsume as if she was about to crack a joke, "Next time don't tell what you feel to a chicken."

"You- So that's why you know about-"

"Yeah." Mitty said, almost smiling. "We were back by then when you told Nagoya how you felt, both of us saw it. Me and Haru. Too bad Sasayan didn't hear it huh."

Natsume couldn't help but feel embarrassed about what she did, and she was looking down all the time. She can't face Mitty without thinking about how silly she was, asking for a chicken for advice.

"But…" She found it good to talk though. "Do you think Sasayan is still afraid of me, Mitty?"

"I don't know." Mitty said. "Why don't you ask him?"

And that was like telling Natsume to ace all her tests. It's too hard, but it's what's best for her.

And it was a short-lived kind of decision-making. Right then the door opened and Haru and Sasayan stepped in, both have their hands occupied with chips.

And that time Natsume felt joyful. As Sasayan put down the food on the table, he sat, and next to Natsume too. Natsume didn't realize she never took her eyes off him the moment they busted in the door. She didn't realize until he looked at her back. And that time. Even if just once, he smiled at her. That same smile she'd always seen, and she came to know. That smile which she learned to miss, and pushed her to fall for him too.

* * *

She wanted to talk to him after all that. But she learned that even though he smiled at her then, he didn't try to talk to her once.

_Start a conversation, Natsume. Stupid. He's just waiting for you._

The team laughed and ate and studied after that. And it came very late, but all four of them still stayed in Mitty's house.

And they slept too, not minding how uncomfortable their positions are. Shizuku was lying on her back on the couch, Haru was spreading out like a starfish on the floor. Sasayan and Natsume was still sitting side by side. Sasayan had his left hand support his chin, all the while squatting on the floor. Natsume rested her head on the table.

Unfortunately, Sasayan's hand didn't support his sleeping head for too long, and later on his head fell on his side. Even that wasn't enough to wake him up.

That was enough to wake Natsume up, however, as his head landed on her lap. She woke up sleepily, and was surprised to find out that Sasayan was now quietly sleeping with a pillow. She looked at him more close, he looked cute, and tiny, and vulnerable in his sleep. She liked it that she actually smiled.

"I like you, Sasayan-kun." She said quietly. No one heard it, only her. Not with the sleeping bodies and the cold night around her. It was actually the first time the words really came out of her mouth, and she meant it. And she thought, she thought if only then will the words really break free. The words she so deeply hide inside, would it only float through the air whenever his ears aren't there to catch it?

* * *

Morning came, and Natsume was the last to wake up. When she did, she looked over at Sasayan, and saw that his face was red.

_It would've been embarrassing after he woke up on her lap right?_

Natsume can't help but smile.

* * *

They walked home after that, actually, only she and Sasayan went home. Haru stayed for breakfast. She feels stupid because now she doesn't seem ready to talk to him again. Besides, the sun was up, it wouldn't be scary to walk alone.

As she walked, even the morning can't take away the thoughts that's been swimming in her head. She keeps seeing him, his face when he was sleeping quietly on her lap, when he smiled at her with that gleam in his eyes, when she kissed him…

_Sasayan-kun. Stupid. _

_ Why can't I just get away with you?_

She ran home. She ran as quickly as she could. She didn't mind the people who watched her as she sped by them. She wanted to just go home and stay in her room and be alone.

_Why can't I just get away with you? Why don't you talk to me with your eyes like you did when you still liked me before? I miss you, Sasayan-kun. I miss it when you look at me like that. I miss your stories about how you hit a homerun, I miss that juice you always buy for me before we go home. It doesn't taste as good as when you gave them to me. I miss the the way you'd walk by me and we'd slide down that steep road, I miss leaning on your back, and the your words that would wake me up when I almost fell asleep. I miss your smile. I miss you, Sasayan! I miss you even though I still see you everyday, 'cause somehow you just standing there without talking to me isn't enough anymore. I miss you Sasayan! And you only make me fall for you harder because of that!I like you, Sasayan!_

_ Please, help me. How long can I keep this up?_

* * *

Apparently, Natsume was a very strong girl. She kept it up for almost a month. She hid her feelings without telling Sasayan about it. After their study session, the two of them returned to their old self. She talked to him and he talked back. She would still laugh at his jokes, he would still be with her on their way home, they would still play with the boy's cat, and there's still something missing whenever the boy looks at her. Natsume still knows Sasayan felt nothing towards her, well, at least not anymore, and Sasayan still doesn't know that the girl he laughs with everyday had fallen for him. The only person she tells all about it is Mitty, who was beginning to get tired.

"I guess I'm okay with it." Natsume told her once.

"Okay with what?" She asked back.

"With… you know. I won't have to tell him. I mean, I can still see him everyday, and he talks to me. That's about fine."

Mitty answered after a few seconds of silence.

"What if one day," Mitty Started. "What if one day he'll tell you he'll be leaving and he won't be coming back? You won't be seeing him again, for good. And he'll never know what you feel. Are you waiting till the sun rises in the east? Come on, Natsume. Nothing ever happens if you don't try." Mitty was telling this to her without looking at her, just staring at the achromatic pages of her book.

But she knows Mitty means it.

And that question gave her a thought.

A long thought.

* * *

**Hey guys. I just want to say this is the penultimate chapter. So yeah the next chapter's gonna be the last. Hehe. :)**


	8. I Suck at Loving You

**Disclaimer: I do not own Tonari No Kaibutsu-kun.**

**A/N: Hey guys. So this is the final chaper. I'm sorry if I can't make it any longer. Breaks almost over soon it's back to school again. So, yeah. I hope you do enjoy it. Please tell me what you think about it. R/R :)**

* * *

_Time together is just never quite enough_

_When we're apart whatever are you thinking of? _

_What will it take to make or break this hint of love?_

_So tell me darling, do you wish we'd fall in love?_

_All the time…._

_-Owl City_

* * *

As soon as the first rays of sunlight gleamed through the window of Shizuku's house, Sasayan was ready to wake up. He was relieved because he'd had a good sleep, even though they stayed up late at night studying. He opened his eyes, rubbing it to adjust his vision. When he could see clearly, the first thing he saw was Haru looking at him, and he was close to laughing. And he had a puzzled expression on his face.

_Why is he looking at me like that?_

Then he noticed that he was actually lying down, remembering he fell asleep whilst sitting down. And so he got up quickly from Natsume's lap and he was blushing nonstop. He sat down on his legs and turned away from Natsume. Haru was laughing like an idiot. Shizuku woke up then, and so did Natsume. He looked at her, but all he can remember was his head on her lap.

_Did she know I was… I was sleeping on her lap? I hope she didn't. Crap. That would be so embarrassing._

He quickly averted his gaze when she noticed him looking at her. He knows full well that his face is flashed. He didn't look at Natsume without feeling embarrassed for the rest of their stay at Shizuku's.

After a while, they fixed up their notes and kept it in their bags. Shizuku insisted they stay for breakfast, but Sasayan refused. He said it would be embarrassing, and that letting them stay for the night was enough.

Surprisingly, Natsume did too, right after he declined to Shizuku's offer. They both looked at Haru, who was smiling like an idiot. In the end, Haru and Shizuku stayed, and he and Natsume waved goodbye.

As soon as both of them went out of the house, silence enveloped them. The two walked out as if they didn't know each other. Sasayan tried to look at her, but he looked away as soon as she looked back. He wanted to talk to her, ask her if she wants a ride home. But he can't. Then he remembered their kiss.

All hopes of talking to her went away.

But that was okay, she bowed to him before he can even say a word (if ever he did), smiled at him (a small smile) and ran home.

She left him staring out into space.

* * *

When he arrived home, the first thing he saw was their telephone. Absentmindedly, he went over it, and he grabbed the receiver. He was about to punch in numbers, Natsume's number, but he stopped himself.

_Why do I still keep chasing her? What part of letting go don't I understand? If we talk, she'd be the one to start it._

_ So _instead he headed straight to his room.

He didn't even eat breakfast.

* * *

**-0-^0^-0-**

Over the weekend, all Natsume did was run her blog, eat some chips, watch television, and think about him. HIM! She just couldn't get her head to think of other, more important things. Many times did she try to call him, but before she could even touch the dials, she'd stop herself.

"Aggggghhh." She screamed. "I'll just talk to him tomorrow at school."

And now she was at school. And there he was, talking to someone.

"Sasayan." A friend of him said. "Natsume's staring at you."

_What? _She thought.

She didn't even realize she was looking at him before Sasayan's friend said so. Sasayan looked at him. She looked back.

And know what? He smiled.

His smile. It made Natsume's heart beat as fast as ever.

* * *

Natsume was confused, so she went to Nagoya. She just want some fresh air, and a chicken. Yup, a chicken, to think clearly. As soon as she arrived though, Haru was already there, feeding Nagoya.

"Naaaagoyaaaa." Haru sang. Yup, he was singing.

"Haru-kun." She said, which made the boy turn around.

"Ah. Natsume." He said before grinning. "Came to check with Nagoya too?"

"Yeah." She said. "I thought…" She sighed.

"You thought what?" Haru asked, looking at her curiously.

She just couldn't get away with that look. "I wanted to think."

"Aaaah." Haru agreed as if he already understood her. "Like what you did when you said you might've liked Sasayan."

He may have triggered some kind of muscle in Natsume when he said that. And before he even noticed, Natsume's hands were cupping his mouth.

"Gaaaah. I forgot that you saw me that time." She said. "Please don't tell anyone."

Haru was mumbling, Natsume couldn't understand what he was saying, and she noticed her hands were still covering his mouth. "Owh. Sorry." She said sheepishly.

"Really?" Haru said. "Not even Sasayan?"

"Definitely NOT Sasayan!" She almost screamed.

"Ohhhh." Haru looked up. "How can he know you like him then, if you don't tell him?"

"There's no point in that." Natsume said, her voice low, and hurt.

"What are you talking about?" Haru asked.

"Do you know that Sasayan…" She broke off. "Sasayan liked me?"

"Whaaat?" Haru stood up so fast he almost gave Nagoya a heart attack, who jumped in fright and hid in his cage. "That little brat. He kept changing the subject whenever I talk to him about that."

"You… You've been asking him if he likes me?"

"Of course." Haru said, quite annoyed. "And he always gets away. That guy."

_So no one else knew he liked me huh._

"Anyway, ah Natsume." Haru looked at her, as if he didn't feel angry the second before. "If he likes you, what do you mean there's no point in telling him you liked him back?"

Natsume looked down, she doesn't want to think about it. Heck, she doesn't want to say it, but she can't just keep secrets with Haru. She's not like Sasayan-kun.

"Because… Because he already let those feelings go… Before I realized I liked him back."

Haru took a while to answer. "Is that why you two seem so distant now?"

"Distant?"

"Yeah. Like you don't talk to each other. " Haru said. "I wanted to ask you guys about it, but I never got the chance."

"Yeah. Maybe." She said. "Distant may be right."

_He was always so close anyways, but I just couldn't… couldn't reach…_

"Natsume." Haru said, his tone suddenly serious. "Do you like him or not?"

"I don't know, I…"

"What is wrong with you?" Haru said, as if joking. "Do you think about him when you're not with him?"

"Yeah. Like all the time. And it's getting more frequent now because we don't even talk to each other."

"Do you miss things about him?"

"Yeah. A lot! Really A LOT!"

"Do you want to talk to him again?"

"Of course I do. That's what I always want but I can't because I'm too scared, or embarrassed to talk to him."

"Why is that?" Haru asked curiously.

Natsume recalled the reason. Because the kiss. The kiss. NO! She can't tell him that. "None of your business!" She said.

Haru puckered. "Do you want to be with him?"

"Yes. I want him to look at me with his old gleaming eyes and just say goodbye to me whenever we go home and just-

"Natsume." Haru stopped her. "You like him, alright. So if you want to tell him that, go on!"

"But he never feels the same way anymore."

"Letting go is hard, Natsume. It's not easy throwing off a feeling so deeply etched in your heart. If ever he did already let go of you, nothing will be lost. At least you've been honest with him."

"Yeah. Not the early kind of honest. I will have told him too late."

"Just go for it, Natsume." Haru said. "Maybe he'll fall for you again."

It was those words. Those little words had somehow gave her hope. It's a long shot, but at least it's not so impossible, right?

"Haru-kun." Natsume said. "Thanks."

"No problem." He handed her some chicken food. "want to feed Nagoya?"

For the first time of the day, she forgot she had a problem.

* * *

A few days later, she would've forgotten about confessing to the guy. But also a few more days later, she talked with Mitty, and she can't shake the fact that she and Haru are the same, and that they're always there for her. She also told her about telling Sasayan how she feels, with a concrete example. Like what if "Sasayan goes to America." Something like that, and her confidence boost is back again.

* * *

**-0-^0^-0-**

Sasayan was done for their practice. He washed his face on the nearest faucet and he saw Shizuku in the library. The window was open, and so he did the thing he usually does, talk to people through it.

"Sup, Shizuku." He said, which apparently startled Shizuku. But of course, she didn't show it.

"Sasayan-kun." She said. "How wrong is your timing."

"I think I never even caught you in the right timing." Sasayan admitted.

"What do you want?" She said squarely.

"Nothing." He said.

"Why are you and Natsume not talking to each other again?"

Sasayan remembered the kiss. "None of your business!" He quickly said. "Other than thaaaat (he was talking about the kiss), which is probably the most accurate reason why she wouldn't talk to me, I don't know other cause why she-"

"What do you mean by 'thaaaat'?" Shizuku looked at him.

"None of your business."

Shizuku sighed. Sasayan thought she would slap him, but she just closed her book. "Did she tell you already?

"What?" Sasayan was so out landed by the question. "What do you mean?"

"Oh." She said. "I'm sorry."

"What do you mean by that, anyway?"

"You'll find out." Shizuku said. "If she's strong enough."

And in reality, Sasayan really had no idea what she's talking about.

* * *

The next day he noticed that Haru was looking at him funny. At recess, he quickly asked him about it.

"Why are you looking at me like that, Haru?" He said.

He was whistling. "Oh. Like what?" Haru replied.

"Like you know something that I don't and that somehow makes you a better person than me in all aspects."

Haru ignored him.

"Look, if it's this about when I slept on her lap, I didn't mean it okay."

Haru burst out laughing. He wanted to smack him. "Oh yeah. That. You reminded me, thanks." He said. "Waiiiit. Actually, after knowing all that. It seems funnier."

"What do you mean knowing all that?"

"Nothing."

"Bam. I'm right. You know something that I don't." Sasayan said, starting to feel annoyed. "Great stuff."

"Look, just don't think about it that much." Haru said. "You'll know."

"Yeah." He said. "You're just like Shizuko. Go on. Play dumb tricks with me."

He sat down. And Natsume was looking at him. He didn't notice.

* * *

**-0-^0^-0-**

Natsume hit Haru in the head as soon as she saw him.

"Ahw." He grimaced. "What was that for?"

"Don't go on giving him hints about it."

"Haha." Haru said. "Can't help it. He looks like a lost little boy. It's great to see him like that, don't you think? Kind of defeated."

"Yes." She agreed. "It's cute seeing him like that."

"There!" He clapped his hands. "There goes the word cute."

"Shut up."

* * *

During their final period, Natsume can't help but think that every force in nature was forcing her to have a talk with Sasayan. See their teacher was about to leave when he called out Natsume and Sasayan's name. And guess what? For cleaning. CLEANING!

And now she's stuck with him, and everytime she sees him she feels blood rush up to her face. She looked at the other students who were already leaving school. Then she looked at him, who was also looking back at her.

"Asako." He said.

"Don't call me that." She said, almost too quickly. "Please."

"Natsume." He said.

"Yeah, let's just get this done."

"Oh please could you try to look at me even once." Sasayan said. "I let you go, big deal. We both agreed we'd be back to being friends, which means I can talk to you whenever I want, and you not ignoring me. But why is this happening now?"

"Sasayan-kun."

"Look. I don't want to talk about that kiss, either."

Natsume ran up to him, to punch him on the chest maybe, But as she lifted her arms, Sasayan reacted and caught her fist before it landed.

He grinned. "You need to put more effort in there if you want to hurt me."

Natsume looked back at him. Then he realized he was still holding her hand. He quickly let go.

"Sorry." He said.

"Stupid Sasayan."

"Why am I the one stupid now?" He said. "You're the one who's been ignoring me the whole day. I'm just waiting for you to talk to me okay?"

She ignored him. She was sweeping the floor.

"'Kay fine, ignore me." He added.

"Shorty." She said.

"Shut up about that." He said. "Don't you have some other lame insults? And that's the word that lead to that... that thing, you know!"

She screamed an embarrassed scream. "Don't remind me about that!"

"You started it." He said, and he laughed. And he sweeped on the floor too. There was silence, a looooooong silence. Until Sasayan broke it. "Oh, come on Natsume, it's really tiring, and awkward, and weird cleaning without talking to each other like this. Why don't you talk."

"What should I talk about?" Natsume said.

"Anything." He said. "The silence is killing me, and you're ignoring me. Double-kill."

"Fine."

"Do you even know what Shizuku and Haru are talking about? Sometimes it pisses me off."

Natsume laughed. For a moment he looked at her as if she was some sort of puzzle.

"You're with them too?" He said. "Oh, come on."

"I'll tell you about it." Natsume said, her tone was suddenly serious, her voice low.

"Tell me about it now." He said.

"No."

"K. Fine." Sasayan said. "Do you know how Natsuneko's been doing?"

"No. How bout him? Is he fine?"

"Of course, except he misses you."

"He misses me?" Natsume asked, confused. "How can you even tell?"

Sasayan shrugged his shoulders. "Just can." He continued wiping the board while Natsume stopped.

"Do you miss me, Sasayan…kun?"

"Miss you? I mean, we still see each other everyday, even though we don't talk to-"

"I miss you." Natsume cut her off. "I miss you Sasayan-kun."

"What?" Sasayan looked at her, confused. "What do you mean?"

"Let's…" She said. "Let's just get this cleaning over."

"Okay." He said. "Okay. But Natsume?"

"Yeah?"

"Please walk with me home." He said. "It feels not right going home alone. It isn't… fun."

And that was that, they went home after it. Together. Just like they always did. And the days after that, they were being their normal selves too. They talked, they even almost forgot about their problems. Or just for the boy, at least.

Natsume can't forget she liked him, not when he's with her everyday.

* * *

"So." Haru put down his books on Natsume's desk, which made her jump. "Have you told him yet?"

"No." Natsume asked.

Haru narrowed his eyes. "What really is wrong with you?" Then he saw Shizuku coming their way. "Oh. Shizuku!"

Shizuku ignored him, but she sat next to him, and they both looked at Natsume.

"What?" She asked, looking at the two of them.

"Tell him." They both said.

"I… I can't." She said.

"It's been almost a month Natsume, how long are you gonna be that way?" Haru said.

"That's what I've been asking myself too."

Shizuku sighed. "You once said you hated losing to boys."

"Yeah. I know. And I'm losing right now."

"Do you know why?" Shizuku asked.

"Because I've fallen for him?" She told her, not really sure about it.

"Falling in love isn't losing." Shizuku said. The words hit her. It's what she always thinks about, but she just don't want to believe it.

"Then what is then?" She asked.

"Not telling him how you feel." Shizuku said. "He did it to you before, with all confidence and such, I guess. Since I don't know what happened, but still, he did it. And you can't. If you won't tell him, you won't only be losing to him, you'll also be losing Sasayan himself."

"_You'll also be losing Sasayan himself."_ The words ringed in her ears, like an endless bell.

She wanted to talk, she don't know what to say.

"Natsume." Haru looked at her. "It's almost winter break. You won't be seeing him for a long time." He smiled at her. "So I suggest you tell him now."

And she looked back at him. She looked at Mitty. She just wished they could see the "thanks" she's having in her eyes.

* * *

**-0-^0^-0-**

One sunset before the cold breeze of winter break would pass, two people walked. And a bicycle. The boy once loved the girl, but he gave up. And now the girl loves the boy, and he didn't know.

Sasayan walked quietly with the girl beside her. She was sipping on her juice, which he bought for her. And as he looked at her, he felt glad. He felt happy. And when she looked at her back with those brown eyes, he felt sorry for himself. Because he'd never meet anyone with that same color and brightness in their eyes like this girl.

"Natsume-san?" He said. He was clutching his bike, holding the handlebars with his hands. "What do you mean when you said you missed me? You know, when we were cleaning the room. I know that was a few, few days ago but… You never told me. You tricked me."

"I miss you." She said. "That's it."

She didn't look at him.

"I don't get it."

"Me either." She said. She looked at him now and she smiled. Sasayan hated how she does that. How she can just look at him and his heart would like, scream. Well, if it has a mouth, it might have done that ages ago. He hated how his heart played tricks on him. Like, making him believe he finally let go of the girl walking beside him, but so it still jumps when he looks at her.

"Don't think about it too much." She said, she might've noticed that he was in deep thought. "I just miss the times when you looked at me when you still liked me. I've always liked how green your eyes are. At those times, I swear they were much more vivid."

"Where are we getting into this?" He said, they were still walking. But Sasayan wanted to stop.

"It's weird you know. I swear when I buy the same juice, this juice I'm holding right now, it doesn't taste right."

"Well, I've got magic money?" He said. "It's like, it makes the machine spit out its best juice?"

Natsume laughed. And Sasayan swears if she'd ever hear her laugh again with something as silly as his words, he would've fallen again. But he's never going back there. They're both happy this way. Or at least he believed they were.

"The point is." She stopped walking, it made him stop too. "I like you Sasayan."

The air around them was blowing her hair away, a tangle of brown he's grown fond of, and she looked at him with eyes that seemed to tell him she wanted to be hugged, and she looks as beautiful as ever.

"Like me as in friend-like?" He asked.

"More than a friend-like." She said.

He couldn't believe it. All those times, he tried so hard to get over her, and he did it. He finally let go of her. Was life making fun of him?

"I don't understand, Natsume."

"I didn't too." She said. "I was stupid, Sasayan. I took it all for granted, your love. You were always there for me, and I was happy about it, but I never did feel it was something so special. But after the fight, after not talking to you, I missed you. Like a lot. Only then I realized I liked you. Because somehow, for every hour that you don't look at me, or smile at me, or talk to me, I feel that my heart's been chipped off. And I couldn't afford that, I couldn't let it chip off my heart completely."

"Natsume san." Sasayan said. Though his voice was somewhat nervous. "Is that why you… kissed me?"

"Yes." She said looking down. "I couldn't help it okay? You were staring back at me and all I could think about was that the guy I was looking back at loved me and then he let go of me because I've been too harsh on him and… and I can see in those eyes how much hurt you've been suppressing because… because."

"I understand, Natsume." He said. "I'm sorry I brought it up."

"Sasayan-kun. I'm sorry."

"What are you saying sorry about?" He stepped closer to her. "You mean you kept it all for days, almost a month even, inside?"

Natsume nodded. "I remembered you told me you've been doing thst too. I- I never thought it would be so difficult."

Sasayan laughed. "Yeah, it's hard alright." He smiled. "You didn't tell anyone?"

"Mitty and Haru."

"What?" Sasayan said. "They, they know about this?"

She nodded.

"So- so that's what they were talking about when they said I'll know." Sasayan said, he was getting embarrassed.

"I also told Haru you said you liked me."

"I've been very good at changing the topic went he talked about it!" He said, looking at her while his face grew redder.

The girl looked at him back with wide eyes, and she laughed covering her mouth. "You're so cute when you blush."

Sasayan couldn't take it. He looked away, not daring to take a glimpse at her.

"I mean." She said, her voice low. "It's not like you'll like me back just because I said I feel the same for you."

"Yeah." He said, managing to turn to her again. "It's not fair, Natsume. You're unfair. Really really unfair. Why tell all this now when… after I've done it."

"Sorry." She said. "And I know you slept on my lap."

"Why do you have to bring that up now?" Sasayan said, his voice high.

There was silence for a while. The same silence that has somehow connected, and broke them at the same time. Then his laughter would always suffice to fill that deafening stillness.

"I suck at loving you, huh." He said. "Really suck at it. Right after I let it go, you tell me this now."

"I suck at loving you too." She said. "If you haven't noticed. I suck at it. And I've been a coward, and a selfish girl for way too long."

"But I loved you." He said.

Natsume sniffed.

"Look." Sasayan hugged her, and the warmth that always made her feel safe was now enveloping her again. And she wished nothing more than for it to stay. "Don't cry, please. I hate to see you cry." He paused. "It's not like I'd say I love you back right away, right? Why don't you wait for me, then?"

"Wait for what?"

"Are you certain you like me?"

"More than certain."

"Then you can wait for me. To fall in love for you over again."

His words soothed her as much as his presence and his warmth. She could feel her tears trail down her cheek. "Sasayan-kun-"

"Shhh." He said. "Let's go home. You've been crying far too much, and I witness every single one of them."

"Not overy single one." She said.

He looked at her. And he smiled.

"Look, it's starting to get dark. Let's ride for the rest of the way."

She wiped one last tear, and she nodded her head.

* * *

So there they were again, the boy's pedaling pacing up with the girl's breathing. She leaned on him, and all she wants is to rest. But she couldn't sleep.

"Natsume." He said. "Were going downhill now, ready?"

"Always." She said, and she smiled, and she can see the boy smile too, even if she wasn't looking at him.

And down they went, the breeze was pleasant. It sweeped her hair to her side and all she could do was take a deep breath and close her eyes.

"Look at the stars. They're magnificent." She said. The boy looked up, and she could see him smiling again.

"See? Everything's wonderful when your tears don't block your eyes." He said.

She witnessed the stars, and she understood how they all fit into place. She didn't hate why they were arranged so neatly in the atmosphere, she loved it. And so were the thought that fit completely in her head.

She leaned on his back again and said some words. "Sasayan-kun?"

"Hmmm?"

"Please fall in love fast." She said.

The boy laughed a little. "Don't worry. You know I fell in love with you even just after holding your hand. It's that easy."

And maybe that was what she was waiting for before she can rest on his back. She'd just wait before his voice would wake her up, and she'll smile.

* * *

When they reached at the place which was Natsume's house, she was reluctant to get off. The boy can still feel her leaning on his back. "Natsume?" He said. "We're here."

"Oh." She laughed a little. "That was fast."

"You were just asleep." He said.

"Yeah. Guess so." She get off of his bike and she stood by him, who was clutching his handlebars and looking at her with his grin.

"Guess I'll see you tomorrow?" He said.

"Guess so." She said, looking down. She still can't believe it. She confessed to him, and the words he said back. She never thought it would turn out ok. And she can't look at him while thinking about all of this. That's why she's looking down, but when her head looked up, she saw his grinning face. His body leaning on his side, and his faced a few inches from hers. She can feel herself go red.

"Natsume."

"Sasayan-kun.." She said, quite nervous.

He then kissed her cheek. A light, quick, and cute kiss.

She touched her cheeks after impact. "What.. what was tha-"

He broke off what she was about to say by laughing. And he grinned at her. "Remember that kiss. And remember this." He stared her in the eye.

His eyes were as green as ever, the girl thought. And his hair was still ever skewed to his left. And he was still the same boy, the same boy she fought with, and fell in love with.

"Natsume. You'll know I love you when I… when Ikiss you again." And he smiled.

She couldn't reply. No words came out of her mouth. So the boy spoke.

"See you tomorrow then. Bye" He said.

And he left her there. She might've been staring to where he left off for quite a long time. Quite a long time indeed. Touching her cheek. And she smiled, even though the boy wasn't there.

She smiled, because and she knows the boy can see it too.

*-*_THE END_*-*


End file.
